Tiptoes: "You mean the one with mini Gary Oldman" edition

A hint that you have found a movie that's so bad it's good (as opposed to just sucking) comes when you describe the plot of the movie in a few sentences, and then follow it with "which was given a $40+ million dollar budget". In the case of Tiptoes, I feel my method was once again proven correct, but my roommate Matt felt it was total garbage so I'll let you decide for you.

Her goes - Matthew McConnaghey and Kate Beckinsale get engaged when Kate finds out she is pregnant. She soon learns all of Matt McCs family are dwarfs meaning that her child may be a dwarf. Fortunately Matt's dwarf twin, played by a miniaturized Gary Oldman takes her on a journey to show her the wonderful love filled world of the dwarf community.

And yes it had a big budget.

Normally I would post a scene or a trailer at this point. Sadly, this movie seems to have cruised under the radar of the youtube community, and the trailer simply tries too hard to promote a movie which does not at all resemble the film it is promoting.

This will have to suffice for now:

This heart warming film opens with mini Gary Oldman and actually small Peter Dinklage rippind down the highway on motorized tricycles in full biker gear. Dinklage picks up a skank from the side of the road who plays the part of the movies super free spirited women. You can call this is the part she is playing because she is dressed from head to toe in gold, she has braids and also a guitar.

A mere jump cut away are Matt and Kate. Kate is also a free spirited women (we know this because she paints) and Matt is a Fire fighter. There is tension in the household however because Matt will not introduce Kate to her family. We soon find out that this is because Matt's entire family is dwarfs (well dwarfs and mini tricycle riding Gary Oldman.)

Moments after this revelation we find out that Kate is pregnant with Matt's baby (and still oblivious of the dwarf situation). Kate and Matt agree to get married, but Matt has to leave for a while to go to Fire Fighter camp. In his absence mini Gary Oldman (mGO from now on) pays Kate a visit. He has just been beat up by a security guard while defending the honor of what looked like mini Gwen Stefani (mGS from now on) who is the love of his life. mGO reveals Matt's terrible secret and Kate is crestfallen.

This is where things get weird, and I explaining chronologically no longer makes sense. The film was edited down from 3 hours to 90 minutes, and in this process all continuity went out the window.

-Peter Dinklage is a French dwarf Marxist and morphine addict. For most of the movie he is drunk and swearing at things. We are treated to a sex scene with him and the free spirited skank. His favorite way to get hammered is with purple drink.

-When Kate confronts Matt about his midget secret she spouts VERY believable lines like: "I'm not made, I'm just bewildered.:

-For sometimes 10 minutes at a shot the movie abandons plot almost entirely in favor for dialog that sounds like it's from a pharmaceutical ad: i.e. "You never know what to expect when you have a baby midget, so you need to talk to your doctor about complications and a proper type of medication."

-A fictional R&B singer and dwarf ally throws a party for his dwarf pals where dwarf frolic freely drinking and partying. We are treated to the singer having sex with mini Gwen Stefani (which breaks mGO's heart). They have sex in an all glass pool house and are somehow surprised when they are caught.

-Kate and Matt have a heart to heart about growing up among the dwarfs and the following conversation takes place

Kate: "Where you ever sexually involved with a midget?"

Matt: "Sometimes when I was 12 a bunch of us would play doctor together, but nothing serious."

Kate:"Great. A circle jerk with a bunch of little people. I would have loved to have seen that."

From there things happen predictably and quickly. Matt and Kate embrace the world of dwarfism, get married and have a dwarf baby inexplicably delivered by a dwarf doctor. But all is not well. Matt is unhappy with their dwarf child and asks for a separation.

TWISTED AGAIN MOTHER FUCKER

With his larger brother being an indecisive douche mGO swoops in and steals McCoughney's wife and child.

They live happily ever after in a cabin in the woods or something. (Mercifully I was pretty drunk at this point)

So, is this movie watchable? Yes, kind of. After the initial laughter from mGO wear off, the only real pleasure comes from the dialog. In other words it takes a certain level of concentration just to mock this terribly edited monster. If I ever own a cool club with a giant projector though, I would definitely play this movie silently above the dance floor as a strange sight for my tripping patrons.