Super Dolphin, Techno Jesus and Keanu Reeves: Johnny Mnemonic

Johnny Mnemonic (Theatrical Trailer)
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Let me make something clear: Mac and Me was fucking amazing. It was so funny to watch that it was almost painful at times. I didn't think I could ever feel like that again. Then, two weeks ago my roommate Steve B. came across a little something called Johnny Mnemonic. It sounding tempting - it involved Keanu Reeves, 1995's vision of the future, a tech heavy plot and It's Always Sonny crew's favorite actor Dolph Lundgren.

I had to see it. And tonight I did. Unlike Mac and Me though I was 100% sober -- this did not so much as slightly limit my enjoyment however.

The film opens with a fast scrolling intro informing us that in the future the world is run by corporations and their thugs, with only a few people resisting who are called the LoTeks. To make matters worse, half of humanity is infected with a disease called NAS. The LoTeks employ human hard drives called Mnemonics. Next Keanu appears on screen; a Mnemonic himself he has erased his childhood from his mind in order to be a data smuggler - why does he do it? To support his love of hookers.

From there things get better. KR receives a massive data overload to his brain (a futuristic 320GB) which is going to cause his brain to explode in 24 hours. His reaction to this news like every other situation in the entire film is a look of vague discomfort, as if he has to poop very badly but is unsure how to resolve it. He is loaded with vital info which we later find is the cure to the disease wreaking havoc on humanity. Most of the movie involves him being chased while maintaining the look of confusion/discomfort. Here are some highlights of the 70 minutes of chasing:

*Ice-T plays an anarchist who saves KRs life (you know he's an anarchist because he has an anarchy sign tattoo in his forehead a la Charles Manson)

* Dolph Lundgren is a hitman hired to chase KR who dresses like Jesus and whose signature kill move is crucification. He is also a robot.

* The LoTeks defense system consists of dropping flaming VW bugs on people.

* In the future, all body guards are scary women or transvestites.

In all of this wildness there is an unbelievable twist. Chased by gangsters, his agent, Robo Jesus and with his head about to explode, things seem to be bad for poor KR. He has to find a man named Jones in order to save him before he loses his mind...

TWIST MOTHER FUCKER - JONES IS A SUPER ANARCHIST NAVY HACKER DOLPHIN

That is really all you need to know. From there the audience is treated to some meh action sequences, and some slightly funny artificial reality sequences.

So Should you watch this movie?: Yes. You really really should. It is a nearly perfect film.

Coming next perhaps a review of the oh so amazing 2012.