The Art of Ass Kissing with a SHRED of Self Respect

For new grads, having a job right now cannot be taken for granted. Having that pays and has benefits feels like luck. Having a job you like that does not involve the world "stipened", "internship" or "volunteer" makes you a lucky bastard. This is just a fact of the world we live in. Another fact for new grads is that no matter how fancy your title is (junior executive, Uno's super take out specialist, dishwashing technicion, analyst, vice Pope in training...) there is a pretty good chance that what you actually are is an underling clinging onto the taint hairs of your organization for dear life.

So how do you advance? How do you get that junior out from in front of your title? And how do you do it in a way that leaves you with enough self respect not to cry yourself to sleep every night?

I'm just not sure... but I have spent that last 11 years in the work force trying and this is what I have found:

Everyone has Something that they Love to Talk about: All you have to do is wind them up and watch them go

Try to figure out a safe topic to bring up with those above you who you don't really know well, but you have to interact with on a monthly basis.

If it's a women over 30 and she's married, chances are you can ask about her kid(s), if she's single chances are she will be thrilled to talk about her cats or labradors. Either way all the conversation requires from you is remembering if the women has animals or children and what breed/age they are. From there she will take over. Just buckle in and nod occassionally as you learn just how hard/rewarding parenting/pet ownership really is. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHARE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES - That would imply that her baby/kitten is not a unique snow flake.

If it's a man over 30 and he's married kids are a safe place to start, but from there it can be more of a minefield. Once kids/wife are brought up chances are you are going to here just how much kids ruin your life and how you should be drinking as much as possible while you still can. If he is not married, prepare yourself to hear about his very dangerous or very absurd hobbies - the dudes 30 and single for a reason. Motorcycle racing? Diarama construction? Single men with large incomes get involved in a plethora of absurd things so brace yourself for hearing how exciting it is to build R/C airplanes or own your own tank.


"How was your weekend?" - Dealing with a loaded question

Hopefully you will make some real friends at work. People who you can be truthful with and who like you for who you are. For most people though, you look more like their child than their peer. Figuring out who's who is critical. When someone asks you how your weekend was who you know probably cannot handle the truth try to stick to some quick answers that will be conversationally resolved in the time it take for your coffee to brew:

-Watched a main stream movie
-Watched the game (you better at least know the score)
-Went to classic rock or pop concert
-Had a low key weekend
-Drank a couple beers and saw friends
-Skied/tennised/golfed
-Read NY Times Best seller that involves economics or wizardry

Things that will raise suspicion that you are a drug addicted hoodlum or weirdo:

-Went to a concert of a band they have never heard of (more on this later)
-"Hung out"
-Went to any major city for a reason other than visiting family
-Read something thought provoking
-Did or was near anything political
-Literally anything could potentially set off a firestorm of judgment, just stick to the fucking approved list, k?

Bonus Points: If you really want to get brownie points here are some extra credit projects

-Remember there kids/pets name and something he/she/it was involved with and ask about it. i.e "How was Fluffy's bowl surgery" or "How was Chazz's piano recital"

-Make them not feel like shitty parents when they tell you about the short comings of their own children. i.e. "I'm sure that the third time will be the charm for Doug's rehab"

-Make them feel younger by pretending something they liked in their youth is still cool. ex: "You saw Styx live! No Way - They are so popular right now"

-Praise them for the rediculous things they do to make themselves feel young. ex: "Wow! That convertable does not seem like a mid life crisis purchase at all" or "Damn, Wii fit is really giving you a chiseled bod".

I think you get the idea.

The most important thing to remember though is that are at most 10 years away from turning into them.