Steve Jobs is getting fucking lazy

As a dork I had waited with a small amount of anticipation for the last month as rumors circled about a new Apple Product. Tech blogs proclaimed it the "Jesus device" and dozens of fake leakers said they had basked in its magnificent glory.

What did it end up being? A big iPhone. Except you can't make calls on it or use standalone GPS.

Or if you look at it another way - the worst fucking netbook ever... questionable flash support, no camera, no real operating system, no support for multitasking, a bite sized 1mhz chip and no ability to download none Apple applications. Oh, and no USB/Firewire/video ports so no adding anything useful or using it as a business tool for presentations.

Or maybe is it a eBook reader then? Well sort of, in that you can download books on it, and then read them with the same difficulty you would have reading a book online. Unlike 80% of other eBooks though it also does not have free wireless access.

There are a few cool things you could do with it for sure. It seems like a great first computer for a little kid or an elderly person. If you had money to burn, it would make a cool add on to your home stereo.

At a starting price of $500 for the stripper model and $830 for one with 64mb memory and AT&T wireless access this seems like nothing more than a toy for Apple completists. In a world with a lot of toys and 10% unemployment I think Steve Jobs may have gone one toke over the line with this one.

Tiptoes: "You mean the one with mini Gary Oldman" edition

A hint that you have found a movie that's so bad it's good (as opposed to just sucking) comes when you describe the plot of the movie in a few sentences, and then follow it with "which was given a $40+ million dollar budget". In the case of Tiptoes, I feel my method was once again proven correct, but my roommate Matt felt it was total garbage so I'll let you decide for you.

Her goes - Matthew McConnaghey and Kate Beckinsale get engaged when Kate finds out she is pregnant. She soon learns all of Matt McCs family are dwarfs meaning that her child may be a dwarf. Fortunately Matt's dwarf twin, played by a miniaturized Gary Oldman takes her on a journey to show her the wonderful love filled world of the dwarf community.

And yes it had a big budget.

Normally I would post a scene or a trailer at this point. Sadly, this movie seems to have cruised under the radar of the youtube community, and the trailer simply tries too hard to promote a movie which does not at all resemble the film it is promoting.

This will have to suffice for now:

This heart warming film opens with mini Gary Oldman and actually small Peter Dinklage rippind down the highway on motorized tricycles in full biker gear. Dinklage picks up a skank from the side of the road who plays the part of the movies super free spirited women. You can call this is the part she is playing because she is dressed from head to toe in gold, she has braids and also a guitar.

A mere jump cut away are Matt and Kate. Kate is also a free spirited women (we know this because she paints) and Matt is a Fire fighter. There is tension in the household however because Matt will not introduce Kate to her family. We soon find out that this is because Matt's entire family is dwarfs (well dwarfs and mini tricycle riding Gary Oldman.)

Moments after this revelation we find out that Kate is pregnant with Matt's baby (and still oblivious of the dwarf situation). Kate and Matt agree to get married, but Matt has to leave for a while to go to Fire Fighter camp. In his absence mini Gary Oldman (mGO from now on) pays Kate a visit. He has just been beat up by a security guard while defending the honor of what looked like mini Gwen Stefani (mGS from now on) who is the love of his life. mGO reveals Matt's terrible secret and Kate is crestfallen.

This is where things get weird, and I explaining chronologically no longer makes sense. The film was edited down from 3 hours to 90 minutes, and in this process all continuity went out the window.

-Peter Dinklage is a French dwarf Marxist and morphine addict. For most of the movie he is drunk and swearing at things. We are treated to a sex scene with him and the free spirited skank. His favorite way to get hammered is with purple drink.

-When Kate confronts Matt about his midget secret she spouts VERY believable lines like: "I'm not made, I'm just bewildered.:

-For sometimes 10 minutes at a shot the movie abandons plot almost entirely in favor for dialog that sounds like it's from a pharmaceutical ad: i.e. "You never know what to expect when you have a baby midget, so you need to talk to your doctor about complications and a proper type of medication."

-A fictional R&B singer and dwarf ally throws a party for his dwarf pals where dwarf frolic freely drinking and partying. We are treated to the singer having sex with mini Gwen Stefani (which breaks mGO's heart). They have sex in an all glass pool house and are somehow surprised when they are caught.

-Kate and Matt have a heart to heart about growing up among the dwarfs and the following conversation takes place

Kate: "Where you ever sexually involved with a midget?"

Matt: "Sometimes when I was 12 a bunch of us would play doctor together, but nothing serious."

Kate:"Great. A circle jerk with a bunch of little people. I would have loved to have seen that."

From there things happen predictably and quickly. Matt and Kate embrace the world of dwarfism, get married and have a dwarf baby inexplicably delivered by a dwarf doctor. But all is not well. Matt is unhappy with their dwarf child and asks for a separation.

TWISTED AGAIN MOTHER FUCKER

With his larger brother being an indecisive douche mGO swoops in and steals McCoughney's wife and child.

They live happily ever after in a cabin in the woods or something. (Mercifully I was pretty drunk at this point)

So, is this movie watchable? Yes, kind of. After the initial laughter from mGO wear off, the only real pleasure comes from the dialog. In other words it takes a certain level of concentration just to mock this terribly edited monster. If I ever own a cool club with a giant projector though, I would definitely play this movie silently above the dance floor as a strange sight for my tripping patrons.

The Art of Ass Kissing with a SHRED of Self Respect

For new grads, having a job right now cannot be taken for granted. Having that pays and has benefits feels like luck. Having a job you like that does not involve the world "stipened", "internship" or "volunteer" makes you a lucky bastard. This is just a fact of the world we live in. Another fact for new grads is that no matter how fancy your title is (junior executive, Uno's super take out specialist, dishwashing technicion, analyst, vice Pope in training...) there is a pretty good chance that what you actually are is an underling clinging onto the taint hairs of your organization for dear life.

So how do you advance? How do you get that junior out from in front of your title? And how do you do it in a way that leaves you with enough self respect not to cry yourself to sleep every night?

I'm just not sure... but I have spent that last 11 years in the work force trying and this is what I have found:

Everyone has Something that they Love to Talk about: All you have to do is wind them up and watch them go

Try to figure out a safe topic to bring up with those above you who you don't really know well, but you have to interact with on a monthly basis.

If it's a women over 30 and she's married, chances are you can ask about her kid(s), if she's single chances are she will be thrilled to talk about her cats or labradors. Either way all the conversation requires from you is remembering if the women has animals or children and what breed/age they are. From there she will take over. Just buckle in and nod occassionally as you learn just how hard/rewarding parenting/pet ownership really is. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHARE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES - That would imply that her baby/kitten is not a unique snow flake.

If it's a man over 30 and he's married kids are a safe place to start, but from there it can be more of a minefield. Once kids/wife are brought up chances are you are going to here just how much kids ruin your life and how you should be drinking as much as possible while you still can. If he is not married, prepare yourself to hear about his very dangerous or very absurd hobbies - the dudes 30 and single for a reason. Motorcycle racing? Diarama construction? Single men with large incomes get involved in a plethora of absurd things so brace yourself for hearing how exciting it is to build R/C airplanes or own your own tank.


"How was your weekend?" - Dealing with a loaded question

Hopefully you will make some real friends at work. People who you can be truthful with and who like you for who you are. For most people though, you look more like their child than their peer. Figuring out who's who is critical. When someone asks you how your weekend was who you know probably cannot handle the truth try to stick to some quick answers that will be conversationally resolved in the time it take for your coffee to brew:

-Watched a main stream movie
-Watched the game (you better at least know the score)
-Went to classic rock or pop concert
-Had a low key weekend
-Drank a couple beers and saw friends
-Skied/tennised/golfed
-Read NY Times Best seller that involves economics or wizardry

Things that will raise suspicion that you are a drug addicted hoodlum or weirdo:

-Went to a concert of a band they have never heard of (more on this later)
-"Hung out"
-Went to any major city for a reason other than visiting family
-Read something thought provoking
-Did or was near anything political
-Literally anything could potentially set off a firestorm of judgment, just stick to the fucking approved list, k?

Bonus Points: If you really want to get brownie points here are some extra credit projects

-Remember there kids/pets name and something he/she/it was involved with and ask about it. i.e "How was Fluffy's bowl surgery" or "How was Chazz's piano recital"

-Make them not feel like shitty parents when they tell you about the short comings of their own children. i.e. "I'm sure that the third time will be the charm for Doug's rehab"

-Make them feel younger by pretending something they liked in their youth is still cool. ex: "You saw Styx live! No Way - They are so popular right now"

-Praise them for the rediculous things they do to make themselves feel young. ex: "Wow! That convertable does not seem like a mid life crisis purchase at all" or "Damn, Wii fit is really giving you a chiseled bod".

I think you get the idea.

The most important thing to remember though is that are at most 10 years away from turning into them.

Super Dolphin, Techno Jesus and Keanu Reeves: Johnny Mnemonic

Johnny Mnemonic (Theatrical Trailer)
Uploaded by NakedBrotha2007. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

Let me make something clear: Mac and Me was fucking amazing. It was so funny to watch that it was almost painful at times. I didn't think I could ever feel like that again. Then, two weeks ago my roommate Steve B. came across a little something called Johnny Mnemonic. It sounding tempting - it involved Keanu Reeves, 1995's vision of the future, a tech heavy plot and It's Always Sonny crew's favorite actor Dolph Lundgren.

I had to see it. And tonight I did. Unlike Mac and Me though I was 100% sober -- this did not so much as slightly limit my enjoyment however.

The film opens with a fast scrolling intro informing us that in the future the world is run by corporations and their thugs, with only a few people resisting who are called the LoTeks. To make matters worse, half of humanity is infected with a disease called NAS. The LoTeks employ human hard drives called Mnemonics. Next Keanu appears on screen; a Mnemonic himself he has erased his childhood from his mind in order to be a data smuggler - why does he do it? To support his love of hookers.

From there things get better. KR receives a massive data overload to his brain (a futuristic 320GB) which is going to cause his brain to explode in 24 hours. His reaction to this news like every other situation in the entire film is a look of vague discomfort, as if he has to poop very badly but is unsure how to resolve it. He is loaded with vital info which we later find is the cure to the disease wreaking havoc on humanity. Most of the movie involves him being chased while maintaining the look of confusion/discomfort. Here are some highlights of the 70 minutes of chasing:

*Ice-T plays an anarchist who saves KRs life (you know he's an anarchist because he has an anarchy sign tattoo in his forehead a la Charles Manson)

* Dolph Lundgren is a hitman hired to chase KR who dresses like Jesus and whose signature kill move is crucification. He is also a robot.

* The LoTeks defense system consists of dropping flaming VW bugs on people.

* In the future, all body guards are scary women or transvestites.

In all of this wildness there is an unbelievable twist. Chased by gangsters, his agent, Robo Jesus and with his head about to explode, things seem to be bad for poor KR. He has to find a man named Jones in order to save him before he loses his mind...

TWIST MOTHER FUCKER - JONES IS A SUPER ANARCHIST NAVY HACKER DOLPHIN

That is really all you need to know. From there the audience is treated to some meh action sequences, and some slightly funny artificial reality sequences.

So Should you watch this movie?: Yes. You really really should. It is a nearly perfect film.

Coming next perhaps a review of the oh so amazing 2012.