Opportunity Abuse

There are aspects of corporate speak which I have learned to live with, and some that I even enjoy using in civilian conversation to mess with people a little. For instance, throwing in “leverage” from time to time confuses some and makes those who are in on the joke chuckle. As in: “I think we should leverage our fridge full of Magic Hats before we go to the bar to make our evening cheaper and more enjoyable.” See what I did there? It’s awkward, and nerdy, but it’s usable. I can and have said that and it makes sense, despite being cumbersome. There is one phrase that does more than bother me. It upsets me. In the quest to eliminate negative language from the work place lexicon the words issue, problem, failure and inexperience have been replaced by the word “opportunity.” This does not make sense, and the proof is in the fact that it is absolutely unusable in conversation outside of the office. Ask me to use synergy in a conversation and I will. “I think if we had both our birthdays on the same night there could be some real synergy.” Sure it’s retarded but it still means SOMETHING. It does not work that way with opportunity. Some things are just bad. If I crashed my car, I would not call it a “car opportunity”, if I lock myself out of the house it is not a “break in opportunity” and if a 16 year old gets pregnant, it is not a “shot gun wedding opportunity”. No. These are fucking problems. As is showing up for work or being bad at your job or having a system crash. When these things happen, there is the choice to FIX them, but that is not the same.

I am asking; please join me in killing this trend in meaningless positivity, or else soon nothing will mean anything.