From time to time I am compelled to put down my pretensions of having "taste" or "standards" and heed the siren call of the shiny 'splosions and sexy vixens of blockbuster action movies.
The truth is that no matter what I tell myself, I can only watch so many movies about Autistic shut ins, and transsexual teen sheep herders coming of age in the USSR before I lose it and just want to see some shit blow up next to some PG-13 semi-nudity. Last Friday was just such a night.
In fairness, I have seen all of the Resident Evil movies. Yes, this does qualify me as a bad person.
On with it.
The movie opens with a very hot lady getting rained on in the center of Tokyo. The camera works slowly up from this sexy, sexy ladies sexy red heals, up her sexy legs... this sexy slow panning with alternating shots from above seems to last about 10 minutes. The sexy Japanese lady turns out to be a zombie (sad) who bites a homely little Japanese man - for me this raised the important question of whether zombies could really walk in heals. It also sets the precedent in the film of women looking stunning and composed regardless of the situation of being alive. More on that later.
We get some narration which reveals that the last 3 movies can be summed up in 25 seconds. I guess that's what you get for watching movies based on video games.
Next Milla breaks into a secret underground base. She is promptly shot and killed... but wait! She has magically cloned herself! There is no explanation for how this has happened.
The army of Milla's (which is much more disconcerting than hot) tears threw the base killing and maiming in a set of action sequences thoroughly cribbbed from the Matrices movies down to the stupid fucking "bullet time" effect that looked dated in 2004.
We're about 10 minutes in, and having realized what we were in for, Meg and I started hitting the whiskey pretty hard.
So all the Milla's are really pissed and they're out to kill the bad dude. I don't know what makes him the bad dude, other than that he wears sunglasses and he shot a little Asian man in the face for no reason. Will call him Jed.
So Jed is fighting all the Milla's and some of them have psychic powers and are blowing things up with their minds. Oh, and for some reason everyone talks like Batman. Specifically Christopher Nolan's Batman. Everybody. All the time. Even the Japanese extras when were they're talking in Japanese. It's like everyone in the movie went out to a party the night before and made out with a sick girl and then each other... then they spent the rest of the night yelling at each other and chain smoking cigarettes ... then the next morning the director was like "Fuck it, the dialogs all fucking stupid anyway, so just try to sound ominous instead of sick."
I guess you can't have an action movie where everyone whispers and sips soothing tea.
Pretty sure that's what happened.
Ummmmmm...
Oh yeah -
So Jed's trying to get away on a plane, and he blows up the base with all the Milla's in it. He's feeling pretty smug when all of a sudden BOOM another Milla. Jed senses her presence or some shit and sticks a needle in her. He then patiently explains that the needle took away her powers while she glares angrily with heaving bosoms. Frankly this is kind of a relief because the mind powers were already getting old in the first 5 minutes of the movie. Then for some reason the plane crashes (maybe into Mt. Fuji?) and it's all fire and brimstone, but somehow Milla walks away looking really hot.
Milla goes to Alaska for reasons apparently explained in a previous movie. She finds a hot girl who was like 15 in the other movie but is now a more hotness appropriate age, despite the idea that only months have passed between movies. Whatever.... It's Resident fucking evil so continuity ain't its strong suit.
She saves the hot girl and puts her in her plane. Fortunately between when she is found (wearing rags) and when she gets into the plane both her and Milla find time to shower and put on make up. Seriously. I know it's based on a video game, but all actresses look remarkably well made up and conditioned at all times. Even if they're dead. Or on fire. I guess both main actresses have only medium sized breasts, so great strides for feminism there.
They fly to Hollywood looking gorgeous. They meet some happy people who have taken over the LA Prison to live in. Honestly, it's pretty fucking boring from there on out. For some reason EVERY single character talks like Batman. This only get's worse as the movie goes on. It's like the director is just off screen between yelling "Good Milla, but this time with more Batman".
At one point they land the plane on the roof of the prison. Then an evil gay man and his intern steam it (really).
I found this drawing which sums up that part of the movie.
Ummmm.... what else.
It turns out lots of people are trapped on a boat and alive (hurray!)
There's some blatant 5th movie setup (this one made $260 million after all)
Oh yeah, the gay guy get's eaten by Jed for some reason.
And really, there are not really zombies in this. At some point, they were all like "we shit, if fucking Jane Eyre has zombies now, I guess were taking them out of resident evil."
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ReplyDeleteAgain, always amazes me that you remember the amount that you do, given the condition we were in.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyable read, terrible terrible movie. I'm not even sure you can consider it awesomely bad...happy to have saved $14 that would have been spent on a QUALITY cutting edge 3D movie.