Transformers 2: Things Transform

From time to time I worry that I am kind of a joyless douche. I mean, I’ve taken 2 film classes,watch maybe 2 movies a week, yet somehow I have a smug sense of entitlement to shit on movies and music that many, many people enjoy without a shred of self-conscious irony.

I know that my taste and my preferences and unduly influenced because of the Curios Case of Benjamin Button. Having read no reviews, and being the first among my friends to see it I enjoyed it. I didn’t think it was great, I saw the Forrest Gump parallels, but I liked it. When I watched TCCOBB I had a rare personal glimpse into the perspective most movie goers have – an untainted chance to decide for themselves whether or not they have been entertained or wasted hours of their life.

It is with this in mind that I made a good faith effort to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen with two people who were genuinely excited to see it and one person who had already seen it three times. As part of this good faith effort I had no choice but to get wrecked; as a result there may be some small gaps in my recollection.

I fucking hate this movie. It is absurd. It is insulting. It is almost three hours long. It is racist. It lingers on robot testicles for what seems like days. Worst of all, half of its fucking running time is dedicated to things transforming.

The movie opens following up pretty much exactly where the last one left off. Che TheBeef is being sent off to college an

Seriously fuck this.

This movie is an abomination against man, god and machine. Never watch it. Or the third own, which this movie goes out of its way to setup.

I leave you with transformer balls.

Fired Up - Abysmal Comedy or Al-Qaeda Recruiting Video?

Yesterday I watched the US v. Canada Olympic Hockey Game. It was a nail biter of a game that had me on the edge of my seat (and drinking may way through many a beer). When the smoke settled from the game everyone there was feeling really bummed, and in need of some cheering up. The kids whose house we were at are massive fans of "Fired Up" and I was in no state to protest.

Disclaimer: The kids who wanted to watch the movie know it is a bad movie. I know it is a bad movie, and soon you will come to an understanding of how bad of a movie it is. I do want to convey though dear reader, that despite the terrible things I am about to tell you, it is a bad movie that has occasional moments that provoke genuine laughs. If you're in the right state of mind with a high enough BAC, give it a watch. If not that do not even fucking think about it.

The movie opens with two dudes getting ready to slay a couple of hotties, and then forced to flee when the dads of the hotties arrive home unexpectedly. The two dudes evade the angry dads with amazing prowess and athletic skill, escaping conveniently into a pool party full of hotter hotties. This opening scene is pretty much the movie in a nut shell, and you really may as well give up here. Aside from a long pair of breasts later in the film, you have seen all the movie has to offer.

Still with us? Fine.

In what is definitely the funniest aspect of the movie the two dudes we see in the first scene turn out to be in High School. Seriously, they look like they are 30. We find out that they are football stars and that they must go to football camp. They decide that rather than go to Football camp they will go to cheer leading camp, where they will use the odds to their favor (because they were really only playing football to get laid anyway).

Yeah, you can figure out the rest.

I don't really feel like writing more about it, except to say this. There is a large part of me that thinks that the movie was created as an Al Qaeda recruiting tool. This movie represents everything they hate about America. There is a terrible plot that could have been lifted from an unambitious porno. There are "beav-wranglers" who are inexplicably the object of female adoration. There is a surprisingly tolerant view of gays. And most infuriatingly there is a movie which never fucking makes an effort to break beyond a terrible cliched story arc, a comedy make more than a half assed attempt at making a joke and a "raunchy sex comedy" which even in the unrated version bothers to show anything you couldn't find in Sports Illustrated.

Come on Fired Up... be something.

Exactly what you expect to happen happens. The dudes hook up with lots of girls and began to feel remorse. They begin to take cheer leading seriously and one of them falls for the one girl he can't have. The girl he can't have is dating a college douche. They betray their team and leave to hang out with their football team. The feel guilty, come back and redeem themselves getting laid and respected by the teem they let down. They learn a lesson or something?

I take back what I said before. This movie really is dreck. I will include some stray observations that amused me or made me angrier:

-The douche bag boyfriend is made more douchey by the fact that every time he is shown, he is in the midst of listening to a 90's hit including, Tubthumping, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Jump, Jive, Bend and Wail and Ricky Martin. Actually kind of funny.

-There is a touching lesbian sub plot which manages to be down right sensitive, and goes unused for jokes.

-The term "Beav-Wrangler" is used as if it is something people say.

-The bro party the dudes go to features a ground beef ball fight

-You can always tell a bad male character has progressed emotionally when he is willing to sleep with a girl with small breasts.

-Like "Dude Where's my Car?" was a stoner comedy without drugs or alcohol, this is a sex comedy where sex is only hinted at.

Like I said, if the right set of stars aligned, this movie could be watchable. Do not attempt it sober though, or if you have even moderate expectations.

Also, no matter how much it infuriates you, try not to join Al Qaeda.