The Art of Ass Kissing with a SHRED of Self Respect

For new grads, having a job right now cannot be taken for granted. Having that pays and has benefits feels like luck. Having a job you like that does not involve the world "stipened", "internship" or "volunteer" makes you a lucky bastard. This is just a fact of the world we live in. Another fact for new grads is that no matter how fancy your title is (junior executive, Uno's super take out specialist, dishwashing technicion, analyst, vice Pope in training...) there is a pretty good chance that what you actually are is an underling clinging onto the taint hairs of your organization for dear life.

So how do you advance? How do you get that junior out from in front of your title? And how do you do it in a way that leaves you with enough self respect not to cry yourself to sleep every night?

I'm just not sure... but I have spent that last 11 years in the work force trying and this is what I have found:

Everyone has Something that they Love to Talk about: All you have to do is wind them up and watch them go

Try to figure out a safe topic to bring up with those above you who you don't really know well, but you have to interact with on a monthly basis.

If it's a women over 30 and she's married, chances are you can ask about her kid(s), if she's single chances are she will be thrilled to talk about her cats or labradors. Either way all the conversation requires from you is remembering if the women has animals or children and what breed/age they are. From there she will take over. Just buckle in and nod occassionally as you learn just how hard/rewarding parenting/pet ownership really is. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHARE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES - That would imply that her baby/kitten is not a unique snow flake.

If it's a man over 30 and he's married kids are a safe place to start, but from there it can be more of a minefield. Once kids/wife are brought up chances are you are going to here just how much kids ruin your life and how you should be drinking as much as possible while you still can. If he is not married, prepare yourself to hear about his very dangerous or very absurd hobbies - the dudes 30 and single for a reason. Motorcycle racing? Diarama construction? Single men with large incomes get involved in a plethora of absurd things so brace yourself for hearing how exciting it is to build R/C airplanes or own your own tank.


"How was your weekend?" - Dealing with a loaded question

Hopefully you will make some real friends at work. People who you can be truthful with and who like you for who you are. For most people though, you look more like their child than their peer. Figuring out who's who is critical. When someone asks you how your weekend was who you know probably cannot handle the truth try to stick to some quick answers that will be conversationally resolved in the time it take for your coffee to brew:

-Watched a main stream movie
-Watched the game (you better at least know the score)
-Went to classic rock or pop concert
-Had a low key weekend
-Drank a couple beers and saw friends
-Skied/tennised/golfed
-Read NY Times Best seller that involves economics or wizardry

Things that will raise suspicion that you are a drug addicted hoodlum or weirdo:

-Went to a concert of a band they have never heard of (more on this later)
-"Hung out"
-Went to any major city for a reason other than visiting family
-Read something thought provoking
-Did or was near anything political
-Literally anything could potentially set off a firestorm of judgment, just stick to the fucking approved list, k?

Bonus Points: If you really want to get brownie points here are some extra credit projects

-Remember there kids/pets name and something he/she/it was involved with and ask about it. i.e "How was Fluffy's bowl surgery" or "How was Chazz's piano recital"

-Make them not feel like shitty parents when they tell you about the short comings of their own children. i.e. "I'm sure that the third time will be the charm for Doug's rehab"

-Make them feel younger by pretending something they liked in their youth is still cool. ex: "You saw Styx live! No Way - They are so popular right now"

-Praise them for the rediculous things they do to make themselves feel young. ex: "Wow! That convertable does not seem like a mid life crisis purchase at all" or "Damn, Wii fit is really giving you a chiseled bod".

I think you get the idea.

The most important thing to remember though is that are at most 10 years away from turning into them.

Super Dolphin, Techno Jesus and Keanu Reeves: Johnny Mnemonic

Johnny Mnemonic (Theatrical Trailer)
Uploaded by NakedBrotha2007. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

Let me make something clear: Mac and Me was fucking amazing. It was so funny to watch that it was almost painful at times. I didn't think I could ever feel like that again. Then, two weeks ago my roommate Steve B. came across a little something called Johnny Mnemonic. It sounding tempting - it involved Keanu Reeves, 1995's vision of the future, a tech heavy plot and It's Always Sonny crew's favorite actor Dolph Lundgren.

I had to see it. And tonight I did. Unlike Mac and Me though I was 100% sober -- this did not so much as slightly limit my enjoyment however.

The film opens with a fast scrolling intro informing us that in the future the world is run by corporations and their thugs, with only a few people resisting who are called the LoTeks. To make matters worse, half of humanity is infected with a disease called NAS. The LoTeks employ human hard drives called Mnemonics. Next Keanu appears on screen; a Mnemonic himself he has erased his childhood from his mind in order to be a data smuggler - why does he do it? To support his love of hookers.

From there things get better. KR receives a massive data overload to his brain (a futuristic 320GB) which is going to cause his brain to explode in 24 hours. His reaction to this news like every other situation in the entire film is a look of vague discomfort, as if he has to poop very badly but is unsure how to resolve it. He is loaded with vital info which we later find is the cure to the disease wreaking havoc on humanity. Most of the movie involves him being chased while maintaining the look of confusion/discomfort. Here are some highlights of the 70 minutes of chasing:

*Ice-T plays an anarchist who saves KRs life (you know he's an anarchist because he has an anarchy sign tattoo in his forehead a la Charles Manson)

* Dolph Lundgren is a hitman hired to chase KR who dresses like Jesus and whose signature kill move is crucification. He is also a robot.

* The LoTeks defense system consists of dropping flaming VW bugs on people.

* In the future, all body guards are scary women or transvestites.

In all of this wildness there is an unbelievable twist. Chased by gangsters, his agent, Robo Jesus and with his head about to explode, things seem to be bad for poor KR. He has to find a man named Jones in order to save him before he loses his mind...

TWIST MOTHER FUCKER - JONES IS A SUPER ANARCHIST NAVY HACKER DOLPHIN

That is really all you need to know. From there the audience is treated to some meh action sequences, and some slightly funny artificial reality sequences.

So Should you watch this movie?: Yes. You really really should. It is a nearly perfect film.

Coming next perhaps a review of the oh so amazing 2012.

Mac and Me: The Definitive Review

Every other week I dutifully head over to my favorite pop culture website, called the AV Club for a special treat. A contributor there has created a long running series of features called "My Year of Flops" which reviews and dissects the failure of a long series of movies which failed at ever getting real commercial or critical success. The movies at times are total garbage, some have redeeming value and occasionally a rare gem simply made before its time. The best though, are the movies that fall into the so bad it's good category, which encompasses movies made with the utmost sincerity which miss the mark completely. (Look here for a taste: http://www.avclub.com/articles/ronald-mcdonald-approved-case-file-151-mac-and-me,36033/)

Inspired by this particular review, I decided that simply seeing a few brief clips was not enough, and that I needed to witness the film in it's entirety with the help of a few friends and some choice film enhancing beverages.

Having braced ourselves thoroughly for the experience prior to the start of the movie, I must admit my recollection of the plot is a bit hazy. It comes back to me in waves like a bad dream. I will do my best. The film opens with a family of aliens who look like the offspring of ET and a flesh light being sucked into a NASA ship. One of these aliens is deposited near the home of a wheelchair bound boy. While rolling around by a quarry one day with his neighbor and love interest the boy experience catastrophic brake failure and is catapulted quite comically into the quarry. Mercifully he is rescued by the Alien.

It is at this point that things got fuzzy enough for me not to be able to provide a solid time line or narrative. I just know that the following things occur:

-Mac, the alien falls in love with Coke

-A ten minute dance scene takes place at a McDonalds which throws the FBI off the scent of Mac

-Mac's family is found in a cave dead, but is immediately brought back to life by drinking Coke

-Mac's family is persecuted and shot at while trying to obtain more coke

-The family becomes US citizens

-The movie concludes with the Aliens driving into the distance in a pink Cadillac convertible with thought bubble appearing that says "We'll be back".

Is this movie worth seeing?: Yes. It is so shameless, so bad and so surreal that it cannot be passed up.

Special thanks to my tolerant friends, girlfriend and roommates who went on this epic journey with me.

A War for Hearts and Minds

After 2 months of hibernation old Grandma winter has reared her giant eagle head, raised her mighty bear paw and summoned the forces of blustery snow down upon new england. Then with a quick shake of her icicle tale she made parking in Boston a pain the ass! It snowed 6 inches here this weekend, and from the chaos and the closure, you would think it had snowed 50". Meg and I had originally been planning on making a run to New York this week... 'cept they got 2 feet of snow and it kind of threw a monkey wrench in things.

Instead we camped out on the couch for the whole weekend watching the snow fall and attacking a bottle of Jameson with no remorse or reason.

This post was created for two reasons: I wanted to draw a creature and I wanted to spite the spirit of Bekky's facebook whining.

Annie and late 70's Rick James have remarkably similar haircuts

It's been a quiet week in lake Woebegone, my home town. I went home for Thanksgiving on Wednesday afternoon with Meg and her dear wife/friend Annie Piche in tow. We managed to avoid traffic and make it home in time to go out and catch up for some high school homie's for a bit.

A highlight of Wednesday night came when Matt C and Matt McC got caught talking to my dad for an hour. I definitely see him a different light around different people. The father son facade drops very quickly and he reveals himself both to be an accomplished gray fox, and a cantankerous old fart. He really relishes dropping f-bombs, drinking wine and giving well worn advice. Cars, women, engineering, politics... the man just wades through each topic either with cranky hatred or enlightened insight.

What a guy.

Thursday the cousins Meg and Annie headed out on the Causeway for our annual pre-dinner walk. The causeway is a strip of marble that used to be a railroad trestle that runs 3 miles out into lake Champlain.

My cousin Toby is a booze salesmen, so upon returning from the causeway the good times rolled. He had taken the wise precaution of brining a crate of various elixirs, with truly something for everyone. Dinner was amazing, and by the dessert was finished everyone present was astonishingly full, and well glazed by Toby's wears.

The evening concluded with a whiskey fueled Wii tournement.

Friday morning we left semi early from VT back to Boston to catch a wedding. Out early start was destroyed though by a party forgetting their coat and realizing it 30 miles from Burlington. To make matters more dramatic I had to do some ad hoc car word to keep sweet Bessy road legal.

Somehow we managed to get through 300 miles , showered and dressed in just under 5 hours. We literally made it to the church 5 minutes before the bride came down the aisle. Good thing too, since it was a 9 minute wedding.

The wedding was pleasant and drama free. I met Meg's ex, and despite my initial trepidation I have to say the kid is pretty hilarious and easy to be around.

As a final note of sweetness, my Dutch boss bought me a half pound chocolate "S" from the Netherlands. It is the tradition that Dutch children get their first initial in chocolate, brought to them by Saint Nikoli who travels through the street on a cart, wearing a pope hat and accompanied by black midget man servants. It was a touch gesture and a peak into the complicated world of Dutch tradition.

Any way, that's the week Lake Woebegone, where all the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

P.S. - Annie really does have the exact same hair as Rick James when he went through the androgynous he/she phase of the late 70's.

Hibernation Nation

After weekends of visitors, late nights and rock climbing, I decided to make this a weekend of zero ambition. Part of this decision was dictated by the fact that I am on strong antibiotics which mak any movement result in audible flatulence.

I had a pretty late night Friday going out stag while Meg recovered from her work week in deep slumber. I have not been out with Bentley kids in a bit and it was a change of pass. Saturday night we both skipped going out, manged to still sleep in until almost 2.

We are starting to plan on the next round of travel, but the cost of anything is still pretty prohibitive to me. I am getting close to being out of credit card debt, but my student loans have conveniently come due in time to slow down the process. For good measure my car is now sitting at 169,379 miles which by my calculations means it could explode at more or less any moment. The plan for now is to replace Bessy with another Honda or Acura for under $7K. I had dreams of BMWs but that might have to wait a few more years.

Back to travel... we are shooting to go to Vietnam/Thailand in about a year. In the mean time we are trying to get to Tahoe or Jackson.

Ou est le neige?

Corporate Corpulance

Today was my presentation to sell myself to the IS community as worthy of another position. I've spent the last week sweating bullets about it, and stuck in a level of denial that felt very much like pre-finals procrastination.

I'm not sure what it is that still makes me so nervous about presenting, but whatever it is, it grabs into my back with some pretty deep claws.

The presentation did not quite go according to plan, and some of the people I was both most afraid of and most eager to impress were AWOL. In standard Bill Gates form my video demo melted down 7 minutes before I had to present, so I was scrambling to get things fixed up to the last minute. Subsequently the lights, projector screen, MS NetMeeting and the room thermometer all malfunctioned and getting things working took a serious McGyver effort by most of the parties in attendance.

When the smoke settled though, I had managed to get my accomplishments across to the people that mattered, and got a positive response. One of the projects I have been working on since July even got enough attention to be hijacked as a new Global standard.

Hard work, success and recognition in the office do not always come as a package, but I have to chalk today up as a win. I am feeling good about getting the position I want for January and that is really all I can ask for at the end of the day.