Transformers 2: Things Transform

From time to time I worry that I am kind of a joyless douche. I mean, I’ve taken 2 film classes,watch maybe 2 movies a week, yet somehow I have a smug sense of entitlement to shit on movies and music that many, many people enjoy without a shred of self-conscious irony.

I know that my taste and my preferences and unduly influenced because of the Curios Case of Benjamin Button. Having read no reviews, and being the first among my friends to see it I enjoyed it. I didn’t think it was great, I saw the Forrest Gump parallels, but I liked it. When I watched TCCOBB I had a rare personal glimpse into the perspective most movie goers have – an untainted chance to decide for themselves whether or not they have been entertained or wasted hours of their life.

It is with this in mind that I made a good faith effort to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen with two people who were genuinely excited to see it and one person who had already seen it three times. As part of this good faith effort I had no choice but to get wrecked; as a result there may be some small gaps in my recollection.

I fucking hate this movie. It is absurd. It is insulting. It is almost three hours long. It is racist. It lingers on robot testicles for what seems like days. Worst of all, half of its fucking running time is dedicated to things transforming.

The movie opens following up pretty much exactly where the last one left off. Che TheBeef is being sent off to college an

Seriously fuck this.

This movie is an abomination against man, god and machine. Never watch it. Or the third own, which this movie goes out of its way to setup.

I leave you with transformer balls.

Fired Up - Abysmal Comedy or Al-Qaeda Recruiting Video?

Yesterday I watched the US v. Canada Olympic Hockey Game. It was a nail biter of a game that had me on the edge of my seat (and drinking may way through many a beer). When the smoke settled from the game everyone there was feeling really bummed, and in need of some cheering up. The kids whose house we were at are massive fans of "Fired Up" and I was in no state to protest.

Disclaimer: The kids who wanted to watch the movie know it is a bad movie. I know it is a bad movie, and soon you will come to an understanding of how bad of a movie it is. I do want to convey though dear reader, that despite the terrible things I am about to tell you, it is a bad movie that has occasional moments that provoke genuine laughs. If you're in the right state of mind with a high enough BAC, give it a watch. If not that do not even fucking think about it.

The movie opens with two dudes getting ready to slay a couple of hotties, and then forced to flee when the dads of the hotties arrive home unexpectedly. The two dudes evade the angry dads with amazing prowess and athletic skill, escaping conveniently into a pool party full of hotter hotties. This opening scene is pretty much the movie in a nut shell, and you really may as well give up here. Aside from a long pair of breasts later in the film, you have seen all the movie has to offer.

Still with us? Fine.

In what is definitely the funniest aspect of the movie the two dudes we see in the first scene turn out to be in High School. Seriously, they look like they are 30. We find out that they are football stars and that they must go to football camp. They decide that rather than go to Football camp they will go to cheer leading camp, where they will use the odds to their favor (because they were really only playing football to get laid anyway).

Yeah, you can figure out the rest.

I don't really feel like writing more about it, except to say this. There is a large part of me that thinks that the movie was created as an Al Qaeda recruiting tool. This movie represents everything they hate about America. There is a terrible plot that could have been lifted from an unambitious porno. There are "beav-wranglers" who are inexplicably the object of female adoration. There is a surprisingly tolerant view of gays. And most infuriatingly there is a movie which never fucking makes an effort to break beyond a terrible cliched story arc, a comedy make more than a half assed attempt at making a joke and a "raunchy sex comedy" which even in the unrated version bothers to show anything you couldn't find in Sports Illustrated.

Come on Fired Up... be something.

Exactly what you expect to happen happens. The dudes hook up with lots of girls and began to feel remorse. They begin to take cheer leading seriously and one of them falls for the one girl he can't have. The girl he can't have is dating a college douche. They betray their team and leave to hang out with their football team. The feel guilty, come back and redeem themselves getting laid and respected by the teem they let down. They learn a lesson or something?

I take back what I said before. This movie really is dreck. I will include some stray observations that amused me or made me angrier:

-The douche bag boyfriend is made more douchey by the fact that every time he is shown, he is in the midst of listening to a 90's hit including, Tubthumping, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Jump, Jive, Bend and Wail and Ricky Martin. Actually kind of funny.

-There is a touching lesbian sub plot which manages to be down right sensitive, and goes unused for jokes.

-The term "Beav-Wrangler" is used as if it is something people say.

-The bro party the dudes go to features a ground beef ball fight

-You can always tell a bad male character has progressed emotionally when he is willing to sleep with a girl with small breasts.

-Like "Dude Where's my Car?" was a stoner comedy without drugs or alcohol, this is a sex comedy where sex is only hinted at.

Like I said, if the right set of stars aligned, this movie could be watchable. Do not attempt it sober though, or if you have even moderate expectations.

Also, no matter how much it infuriates you, try not to join Al Qaeda.

Boston Scientific Top Gun School

Last week, on the Q4 investor conference call the CEO of Boston Scientific announced (in further proof of the corporate world's love of military imagery) that this year we will be starting a Top Gun school for promising people across the organization. Ideal Top Gun candidates have a track record of success, perseverance in the face of adversity and a willingness to be relocated with little notice. They will get training, exposure and assignments in the most high risk - high reward parts of the business.

When it was announced I was excited, and my first thought was how much I wanted in. The program I am in now has given me some great challenges and visibility, but Top Gun sounds like it would give me the chance to excel beyond the world of IS. On the other hand, as someone who already feels like the corporate world requires sacrifices, I don't know if getting in deeper is what I really want or need.

I would love:

The challenge

The recognition

The travel

The money

The pace

The stress

Putting "Top Gun" on my resume (maybe tattoos if the other fellas were in)

I would resent:

Missing pieces of my life

Waiting indefinitely to get a dog

Cold silent glares from Meg

Skiing less than 10 days a year

Getting into the program would be a big challenge unto itself, so for now this is all a pretty academic exercise. It's just one more siren song of the corporate world.

A Crisis of Masculinity

If you watched last nights Superbowl, or just youtubed the commercials, you may have noticed a pattern emerging. Among the ads with sexy women touting or being attracted by products was a series of ads saying America men are a nation of pussy whipped homos, or in one case, it's ok to be a pussy whipped homo as long as you have 3 kids to prove other wise.

Call it a crisis of masculinity.

If Madison Avenue is to be believed, American men are on the verge of losing their last shred of dignity and all they can hope for is to hold on to dear life to that shred with a slew of products which will define them as men.

With women outnumbering men in the workplace, and gender roles continuing to evolve perhaps this was a long time coming. Perhaps it is simply the hangover from a decade of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Advertising has found an age old male insecurity and taken it to a new level.

In case you missed them, I've included Video

Dodge Charger - Man's Last Stand



In this ad (by far my favourite) men are shown as saps and house pets who endure the brutal ordeal of basic civility and hygene so their nagging women tolerate them to have an impractical car. Until the end it has a fairly good natured tone, and the use of Dexter (Michael C Hall) for voice works reminds us that we as men are perhaps all putting on a bit of a show to get what we really want.

Dove - Finally You're Comfortable With Who You Are



This ad perhaps really bothers me the most. What I get from it is "Hey, you have three kids and a wife. You can finally stop using a body wash that smells like air freshener without people thinking you are gay".

While this message is not blatant, the ending line about "finally being comfortable enough" suggests to me that the poor man in this commercial has spent his life in a gay panic.

A part of me believes that this poor man is living a lie.

Dockers - Wear the Pants



This ad is a bit retarded, and its placement next to a careerbuilder.com also featuring pantless middle aged men made it all the more bizarre.

This ad has a simpler message - If you are not wearing the pants you look foolish. Dockers will make you a man!

The truth sadly is that Dockers will make you dressed appropriately for a BBQ and will do little for your relationships.


Flo TV - His Girlfriend has Removed his Spine



By far the dumbest ad, this ad draws the line of masculinity at being able to watch live sports. Shopping all day with your girlfriend may be the price you pay for love in this ad, but it seems like a bit of a stretch to think that a portable TV will make the cliche mess we watch unfold work itself out.

Resparking a sexual relationship with a women who wants your attention bad enough to take you lingerie shopping will make you feel like more of a man, not watching a fucking mini TV.

As the cherry on top of the dumbness of this ad, are the makers of FLO TV unaware of something called the iPhone, or merely hopeful that their customers will be?

Shelter From the Storm

The last few weeks have been a bit rough at work. Not coincidentally, I have been developing two new drinks in order to take Shelter from the Storm.

The Masshole Skier
1 Cup hot chocolate made with whole milk and Ghirardelli mix
1 Shot Frangelico
3 Shots Bailey's Irish Cream Mint

The Closeted Kentuckian
4 Shots Maker's Mark on the rocks
1 Small splash Pama pomegranate liquor

Steve Jobs is getting fucking lazy

As a dork I had waited with a small amount of anticipation for the last month as rumors circled about a new Apple Product. Tech blogs proclaimed it the "Jesus device" and dozens of fake leakers said they had basked in its magnificent glory.

What did it end up being? A big iPhone. Except you can't make calls on it or use standalone GPS.

Or if you look at it another way - the worst fucking netbook ever... questionable flash support, no camera, no real operating system, no support for multitasking, a bite sized 1mhz chip and no ability to download none Apple applications. Oh, and no USB/Firewire/video ports so no adding anything useful or using it as a business tool for presentations.

Or maybe is it a eBook reader then? Well sort of, in that you can download books on it, and then read them with the same difficulty you would have reading a book online. Unlike 80% of other eBooks though it also does not have free wireless access.

There are a few cool things you could do with it for sure. It seems like a great first computer for a little kid or an elderly person. If you had money to burn, it would make a cool add on to your home stereo.

At a starting price of $500 for the stripper model and $830 for one with 64mb memory and AT&T wireless access this seems like nothing more than a toy for Apple completists. In a world with a lot of toys and 10% unemployment I think Steve Jobs may have gone one toke over the line with this one.

Tiptoes: "You mean the one with mini Gary Oldman" edition

A hint that you have found a movie that's so bad it's good (as opposed to just sucking) comes when you describe the plot of the movie in a few sentences, and then follow it with "which was given a $40+ million dollar budget". In the case of Tiptoes, I feel my method was once again proven correct, but my roommate Matt felt it was total garbage so I'll let you decide for you.

Her goes - Matthew McConnaghey and Kate Beckinsale get engaged when Kate finds out she is pregnant. She soon learns all of Matt McCs family are dwarfs meaning that her child may be a dwarf. Fortunately Matt's dwarf twin, played by a miniaturized Gary Oldman takes her on a journey to show her the wonderful love filled world of the dwarf community.

And yes it had a big budget.

Normally I would post a scene or a trailer at this point. Sadly, this movie seems to have cruised under the radar of the youtube community, and the trailer simply tries too hard to promote a movie which does not at all resemble the film it is promoting.

This will have to suffice for now:

This heart warming film opens with mini Gary Oldman and actually small Peter Dinklage rippind down the highway on motorized tricycles in full biker gear. Dinklage picks up a skank from the side of the road who plays the part of the movies super free spirited women. You can call this is the part she is playing because she is dressed from head to toe in gold, she has braids and also a guitar.

A mere jump cut away are Matt and Kate. Kate is also a free spirited women (we know this because she paints) and Matt is a Fire fighter. There is tension in the household however because Matt will not introduce Kate to her family. We soon find out that this is because Matt's entire family is dwarfs (well dwarfs and mini tricycle riding Gary Oldman.)

Moments after this revelation we find out that Kate is pregnant with Matt's baby (and still oblivious of the dwarf situation). Kate and Matt agree to get married, but Matt has to leave for a while to go to Fire Fighter camp. In his absence mini Gary Oldman (mGO from now on) pays Kate a visit. He has just been beat up by a security guard while defending the honor of what looked like mini Gwen Stefani (mGS from now on) who is the love of his life. mGO reveals Matt's terrible secret and Kate is crestfallen.

This is where things get weird, and I explaining chronologically no longer makes sense. The film was edited down from 3 hours to 90 minutes, and in this process all continuity went out the window.

-Peter Dinklage is a French dwarf Marxist and morphine addict. For most of the movie he is drunk and swearing at things. We are treated to a sex scene with him and the free spirited skank. His favorite way to get hammered is with purple drink.

-When Kate confronts Matt about his midget secret she spouts VERY believable lines like: "I'm not made, I'm just bewildered.:

-For sometimes 10 minutes at a shot the movie abandons plot almost entirely in favor for dialog that sounds like it's from a pharmaceutical ad: i.e. "You never know what to expect when you have a baby midget, so you need to talk to your doctor about complications and a proper type of medication."

-A fictional R&B singer and dwarf ally throws a party for his dwarf pals where dwarf frolic freely drinking and partying. We are treated to the singer having sex with mini Gwen Stefani (which breaks mGO's heart). They have sex in an all glass pool house and are somehow surprised when they are caught.

-Kate and Matt have a heart to heart about growing up among the dwarfs and the following conversation takes place

Kate: "Where you ever sexually involved with a midget?"

Matt: "Sometimes when I was 12 a bunch of us would play doctor together, but nothing serious."

Kate:"Great. A circle jerk with a bunch of little people. I would have loved to have seen that."

From there things happen predictably and quickly. Matt and Kate embrace the world of dwarfism, get married and have a dwarf baby inexplicably delivered by a dwarf doctor. But all is not well. Matt is unhappy with their dwarf child and asks for a separation.

TWISTED AGAIN MOTHER FUCKER

With his larger brother being an indecisive douche mGO swoops in and steals McCoughney's wife and child.

They live happily ever after in a cabin in the woods or something. (Mercifully I was pretty drunk at this point)

So, is this movie watchable? Yes, kind of. After the initial laughter from mGO wear off, the only real pleasure comes from the dialog. In other words it takes a certain level of concentration just to mock this terribly edited monster. If I ever own a cool club with a giant projector though, I would definitely play this movie silently above the dance floor as a strange sight for my tripping patrons.