I was 13 my parents left town for the weekend. As surrogate parents, my parents left an intern and her boyfriend to check in on me. Being Americorp volunteers they had literally no money or fun earthly possessions the young couple decided to take the opportunity to watch a DVD of an odd film that had recently bombed out of theaters.
That film was Fight Club, and it was a game changer for me. For recently pubescent Stephan, it was a revelation. Suddenly I had a template for anti-conformity, taste in film, hatred of corporations, sexual deviance and a Palahniuk fueled sense of superiority. In that one night I became a teenager.
Since then, there have been other movies which, upon first viewing brought about similar personal upheaval. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Now comes this. After watching this movie I was left in a heap of elated confusion. It was like a brain liquefying concussion rendered via marshmellow.
The movie starts exactly where the last one left off (you saw the last one right?) with Jason Stathem landing on a car after a fall from a helicopter. He is abducted and whisked off to a secret warehouse. His health is restored for just long enough for his captors pull out his heart and replace it with electric powered unit. This scene features what I believe is the only instance of a cigarette being ashed a body cavity.
He soon finds out that the baddies who wanted to kill him in the first movie are so taken with his ability to stay alive that they are giving his heart to their leader. Stathem seems pretty OK with this until he realizes that they also are planning on taking his penis, at which point he begins an escape plan that culminates with anally violating a man with a shotgun.
After the shotgun raping Stathem heads out to find his heart and kick asses. In an early ass kicking scene, Stathem inadvertently rescues a meth addicted Korean hooker named Ria (or Kia?) from a fat man who wants to kill her. Ria falls instantly in love with him and spends the rest of the movie following him with no apparent purpose.
As in the first movie, Stathem must keep his heart beating at all times. However, since it is an electric heart, he must do this my zapping himself in various ways. These include using a car battery (above), electric cables, and in a well played scene, sex in the middle of a horse race (duh, friction!). Another inspired scene pits Stathem against his nemesis but portrays the battle with 70’s Godzilla style costumes storming through a model town.
It’s hard to explain what makes this movie so great, but since I’ve gotten this far I may as well try. In an age were everything feels derivative purveyors of shitty action movies usually take one of two routes –
First, the sly winking self conscious route which go out of their way to mock themselves subtly. These movies appear on casual viewing to serve up standard action movie fare, but include little moments where the fourth wall is broken and savvy viewers can detect that the director is almost apologizing for the shit they have created. The grammar of these films usually feature a moment where an actor looks knowingly into the camera as they deliver a stupid line, comically large guns and abuse of slow motion. Watching these movies is like hanging out with a self deprecating alcoholic uncle. The fact that they know they are an asshole and are humble about being an asshole really doesn’t get them through the un-pleasantness of them being an asshole.
Most of the time when I watch these movies I can’t help but think that the director is very embarrassed and is hoping that the friends he made in film school will not mock him too much for being a sell out.
Secondly, there is the more dominant action movie played straight. Michael Bay Michael Bay
In fact I know he does.
Actual transcript of a Michael Bay
Studio Head: Michael, we need to pitch an idea this afternoon and we don’t have anything!
MB: Let’s see… explosions… firm jail bait titties… uhhhh… cars… hmmmm… military vehicles swooshing!
Studio Head: MiBae (his real nick name) that isn’t a movie… you’re just mumbling.
MB: No goddamnit! These people read fucking MAXIM magazine! The most exciting things in their lives is Keystone and bottle rockets. It may be shit, but if we can entice these fucktards with some PG-13 tits and violence enough to quit touching themselves for 90 minutes, we just might take some of their money.
This literally happens before every Michael Bay Movie.
What makes Crank II enjoyable is a simple, simple thing called fun. It know it’s dumb, but it doesn’t hit you over the head with it. There is no moral. There isn’t even really a good guy. There is only unrestrained ass kicking strung along with a simple plot.
Bonus Question: Does anyone think Jason will ever lose it and due like a three year stint starring in off Broadway plays?
